We met with J at the agency. Two weeks later we met with her and her family. We went out to dinner together. I sweated buying everyone a little trinket present. They had to be perfect. We were SO nervous. At our first meeting, J told us that she didn't want to see the baby, hold the baby, or have visits. But, her mom wanted to have a grandparent role. We were fine with this. So, when we went to dinner, I asked the mom what she'd like as far as visits. She burst into tears. I felt horrible and awkward and was pretty quiet the rest of the evening.
When J went into labor, she called us and we went right to the hospital. Her mom and I were the first ones to see the baby. J had a c-section and was completely under. We took the baby and J's mom went with her into recovery. We spent hours with Faith.
The next day, we hung out with J, Faith, and her family in her hospital room. J had changed her mind about seeing Faith, and while it terrified me, I was glad she did. After a few hours, J asked us for permission to hang out with Faithie by herself. We excused ourselves to lunch, even though it was the LAST thing in the world I wanted to do. J's mom and dad offered to treat us to lunch. It was nice getting to know them a little more.
In the beginning, J just wanted updates via e-mail. I didn't know how much was too much so I sent a lot. At first it was weekly, then bi-weekly, then monthly. I set up a blog just for the birthfamily after a few months. I still update it regularly. It was awkward in the beginning, because J referred to Faith as Patience (the name she had chosen for her). I remember not being sure what to call Faith, so I often referred to her as Faith-Patience. I remember wondering if it was a sign J was having second thoughts or regretted her decision. Now I realize that to J, Faith WAS Patience. She had been thinking of her as Patience for some time. To me, she WAS Faith. I was relieved when J started to refer to her as Faith, but I do understand better now.
When Faith was about three months old, J's mom e-mailed me and said she was passing through the area and would we mind meeting. I was SO nervous. We met at a coffee shop, partly because the house was a mess and partly because I wasn't ready to have birthfamily at my house. It was a really nice visit and lasted an hour or two. At the end, when saying goodbye, she cried and it felt really awkward for Derek and myself.
Faith was born in May, TPR occurred in July. First birthfamily visit was in August. In December, we were having her dedication at church. We decided to invite J and her family. J came with her mom and grandma. They went to church with us and our family and then came back to our house for lunch. They brought Faith Christmas presents, took lots of pictures, and visited. It was really nice overall. When it was time to leave, J started crying and then so did her mom and grandma. It was really hard to see them so sad, but they were happy to. Happy to see Faith. Happy to see her home. Happy to have been included in a part of her life. They also came to her first birthday party.
We have averaged visits every three or four months. We actually have pushed for more contact than what J wanted in the beginning. But, we felt like it was in the best interest of Faith. Recently, J came to visit at our house. We picked up Derek at his job, went to lunch (she snuck off and paid for us), took Faith to a play area, and dropped Derek back off at work. J and I had a nice time hanging out. We talked about Faith mostly. Her new words, favorite foods, etc. But we also talked about J's future plans (she just enrolled in the military) and about our adopting baby 2.
Our relationship has evolved into a friendship. It was awkward and weird in the beginning....strangers coming together to make it work out of a mutual love for this child. Now it is a warm and accepting friendship that comes together to support a beautiful little girl. In the beginning, I made a choice that I feel has really helped me. I decided that you can never have too many people love you and that I didn't want Faith to EVER feel like she had to choose between me and her birthmom.
I admire J so much for choosing such a hard path, because she felt like it was the best decision for her child. I know that she could have parented and been a great mom, but she just didn't feel ready at the time. I have seen firsthand the love that J and her family feel for Faith. I know how much they want Faith, but I think on a deeper level - us, to know she was wanted and loved. I have seen their pain at the same time I have seen their affirmation that they know they made the right choice. It is an amazing and humbling thing to witness.
When people hear that we have an open adoption, a lot of times they think we must be co-parenting with Faith's birthfamily. They compare it to being in a divorce and sharing custody, because that is the closest thing they know that even remotely compares to an open adoption. This actually couldn't be further from the truth. A lot of people think that open adoption is weird, awkward, confusing for the child, and something they could never do themselves. But, Faith is not confused. She KNOWS I am her mommy. And J and her family have never been anything but respectful of us as her parents. Yes it has been weird and awkward at times, but what new relationship isn't weird and awkward at first?
Remember that this is a relationship. It has taken time to get to this point that we are at, and it will continue to evolve as time goes on. On our last visit, J and I discussed the possibility of us going on a vacation together...perhaps Disney World or to my mom's farm. How cool is that?!? Did I ever picture vacationing with Faith's birthfamily in the beginning? Nope. Absolutely not. Down the road, J may get married, have children she parents. That will change the dynamic of our relationship. She'll get stationed in different places during her service. Our contact may wax and wane, but openess and flexibility are there. We've established trust with one another.
A person on my adoption board asked if anyone would let the birthfamily take their child out for a few hours by themselves. Faith is going to turn two in May, and I've just gotten to the point where I'd be comfortable if J wanted to take her out to do something on her own. But Faith is just now at the age where she isn't entirely dependent on me for everything. And I'm just now at the point where I'm okay with her doing stuff other people without me.
I think though, that there is an idea of birthparents that is perpetuated by bad lifetime movies... that birthparents place because they are unfit to parent a dog much less a baby, are unstable, horrible people who will run off with the child the moment the adoptive parents blink.
That is such an awful stereotype. In one breath, we talk about self-sacrificing, selfless birthmoms who give us the ultimate gift. In the other, we think we could never let the baby be alone with a complete stranger who is just anybody. But, they aren't just anybody. They are your child's birthmother.
They are the person who chose LIFE for your child. I'm not judging anybody, believe me, I get the insecurities. Like I said, I have an amazing relationship with J and I'm just now comfortable with unsupervised visits, and I haven't had J ask for them yet. I just think it's important to be aware of the stereotype that is perpetuated by society.
I know there are birthparents who are unfit. I know there are birthparents who are mentally unstable. But I think sometimes when people think of birthparent, they think of someone who had their child forcibly removed from them due to neglect or abuse. Obviously, foster-to-adopt through the system is a lot different than domestic adoption where someone makes a parenting plan to place their child into a loving home.
It's important to evaluate each adoption and open contact independently. If J did drugs, was bipolar, questioned me as Faith's mom, etc. I know I wouldn't be as open. But she isn't. I can only hope and pray that we are able to develop the same kind of open relationship with our second child's birthfamily. We certainly are committed to developing a relationship with them
Now, keep in mind that we have an ideal open adoption. The above written is expressly just our family's experience and my opinion. I'm not trying to judge anyone's choices in regards to open adoption. I'm just sharing our experience and what I feel like I've come to understand.
(The Big Sister to be...)
(Our dogs. Faith's birthmom picked us - after we were waiting for just 11 weeks to be chosen- because of our dogs. She loves pit bulls! How amazing is that?!? It just goes to show that God has a perfect plan for everyone. We can't wait to be chosen again!)
