Open Adoption ~ Part Two

We met with J at the agency. Two weeks later we met with her and her family. We went out to dinner together. I sweated buying everyone a little trinket present. They had to be perfect. We were SO nervous. At our first meeting, J told us that she didn't want to see the baby, hold the baby, or have visits. But, her mom wanted to have a grandparent role. We were fine with this. So, when we went to dinner, I asked the mom what she'd like as far as visits. She burst into tears. I felt horrible and awkward and was pretty quiet the rest of the evening.

When J went into labor, she called us and we went right to the hospital. Her mom and I were the first ones to see the baby. J had a c-section and was completely under. We took the baby and J's mom went with her into recovery. We spent hours with Faith.

The next day, we hung out with J, Faith, and her family in her hospital room. J had changed her mind about seeing Faith, and while it terrified me, I was glad she did. After a few hours, J asked us for permission to hang out with Faithie by herself. We excused ourselves to lunch, even though it was the LAST thing in the world I wanted to do. J's mom and dad offered to treat us to lunch. It was nice getting to know them a little more.

In the beginning, J just wanted updates via e-mail. I didn't know how much was too much so I sent a lot. At first it was weekly, then bi-weekly, then monthly. I set up a blog just for the birthfamily after a few months. I still update it regularly. It was awkward in the beginning, because J referred to Faith as Patience (the name she had chosen for her). I remember not being sure what to call Faith, so I often referred to her as Faith-Patience. I remember wondering if it was a sign J was having second thoughts or regretted her decision. Now I realize that to J, Faith WAS Patience. She had been thinking of her as Patience for some time. To me, she WAS Faith. I was relieved when J started to refer to her as Faith, but I do understand better now.

When Faith was about three months old, J's mom e-mailed me and said she was passing through the area and would we mind meeting. I was SO nervous. We met at a coffee shop, partly because the house was a mess and partly because I wasn't ready to have birthfamily at my house. It was a really nice visit and lasted an hour or two. At the end, when saying goodbye, she cried and it felt really awkward for Derek and myself.

Faith was born in May, TPR occurred in July. First birthfamily visit was in August. In December, we were having her dedication at church. We decided to invite J and her family. J came with her mom and grandma. They went to church with us and our family and then came back to our house for lunch. They brought Faith Christmas presents, took lots of pictures, and visited. It was really nice overall. When it was time to leave, J started crying and then so did her mom and grandma. It was really hard to see them so sad, but they were happy to. Happy to see Faith. Happy to see her home. Happy to have been included in a part of her life. They also came to her first birthday party.

We have averaged visits every three or four months. We actually have pushed for more contact than what J wanted in the beginning. But, we felt like it was in the best interest of Faith. Recently, J came to visit at our house. We picked up Derek at his job, went to lunch (she snuck off and paid for us), took Faith to a play area, and dropped Derek back off at work. J and I had a nice time hanging out. We talked about Faith mostly. Her new words, favorite foods, etc. But we also talked about J's future plans (she just enrolled in the military) and about our adopting baby 2.

Our relationship has evolved into a friendship. It was awkward and weird in the beginning....strangers coming together to make it work out of a mutual love for this child. Now it is a warm and accepting friendship that comes together to support a beautiful little girl. In the beginning, I made a choice that I feel has really helped me. I decided that you can never have too many people love you and that I didn't want Faith to EVER feel like she had to choose between me and her birthmom.

I admire J so much for choosing such a hard path, because she felt like it was the best decision for her child. I know that she could have parented and been a great mom, but she just didn't feel ready at the time. I have seen firsthand the love that J and her family feel for Faith. I know how much they want Faith, but I think on a deeper level - us, to know she was wanted and loved. I have seen their pain at the same time I have seen their affirmation that they know they made the right choice. It is an amazing and humbling thing to witness.

When people hear that we have an open adoption, a lot of times they think we must be co-parenting with Faith's birthfamily. They compare it to being in a divorce and sharing custody, because that is the closest thing they know that even remotely compares to an open adoption. This actually couldn't be further from the truth. A lot of people think that open adoption is weird, awkward, confusing for the child, and something they could never do themselves. But, Faith is not confused. She KNOWS I am her mommy. And J and her family have never been anything but respectful of us as her parents. Yes it has been weird and awkward at times, but what new relationship isn't weird and awkward at first?

Remember that this is a relationship. It has taken time to get to this point that we are at, and it will continue to evolve as time goes on. On our last visit, J and I discussed the possibility of us going on a vacation together...perhaps Disney World or to my mom's farm. How cool is that?!? Did I ever picture vacationing with Faith's birthfamily in the beginning? Nope. Absolutely not. Down the road, J may get married, have children she parents. That will change the dynamic of our relationship. She'll get stationed in different places during her service. Our contact may wax and wane, but openess and flexibility are there. We've established trust with one another.

A person on my adoption board asked if anyone would let the birthfamily take their child out for a few hours by themselves. Faith is going to turn two in May, and I've just gotten to the point where I'd be comfortable if J wanted to take her out to do something on her own. But Faith is just now at the age where she isn't entirely dependent on me for everything. And I'm just now at the point where I'm okay with her doing stuff other people without me.

I think though, that there is an idea of birthparents that is perpetuated by bad lifetime movies... that birthparents place because they are unfit to parent a dog much less a baby, are unstable, horrible people who will run off with the child the moment the adoptive parents blink.

That is such an awful stereotype. In one breath, we talk about self-sacrificing, selfless birthmoms who give us the ultimate gift. In the other, we think we could never let the baby be alone with a complete stranger who is just anybody. But, they aren't just anybody. They are your child's birthmother.

They are the person who chose LIFE for your child. I'm not judging anybody, believe me, I get the insecurities. Like I said, I have an amazing relationship with J and I'm just now comfortable with unsupervised visits, and I haven't had J ask for them yet. I just think it's important to be aware of the stereotype that is perpetuated by society.

I know there are birthparents who are unfit. I know there are birthparents who are mentally unstable. But I think sometimes when people think of birthparent, they think of someone who had their child forcibly removed from them due to neglect or abuse. Obviously, foster-to-adopt through the system is a lot different than domestic adoption where someone makes a parenting plan to place their child into a loving home.

It's important to evaluate each adoption and open contact independently. If J did drugs, was bipolar, questioned me as Faith's mom, etc. I know I wouldn't be as open. But she isn't. I can only hope and pray that we are able to develop the same kind of open relationship with our second child's birthfamily. We certainly are committed to developing a relationship with them

Now, keep in mind that we have an ideal open adoption. The above written is expressly just our family's experience and my opinion. I'm not trying to judge anyone's choices in regards to open adoption. I'm just sharing our experience and what I feel like I've come to understand.

Yay!

We become "active" in the agency's books this week (hopefully on Tuesday). Basically, this is how the process works. After your classes, homestudy, and paperwork, you submit two copies of your profile book and 13 copies of your one page "Dear Birthmom" letter.

There are a bunch of offices throughout the state. Each office receives a copy of our letter. This is like an introduction to us and our family. It includes one picture of the three of us together (the one from our cover). An expectant parent reads the letters, and decides which ones she likes the most. Then, her social worker (sw) will request those families profile books from the main office (these books are 25 pages long).

From those books, she either narrows it down to one family she wants to meet OR she looks through more letters and pulls more profile books. If she decides to meet the family, it is expected that she's pretty sure she wants to pick that family and the meeting is to confirm that. Of course, she has the option to not pick the family after the meeting, and she can change her mind anytime before TPR (Termination of Parental Rights).

People always ask, "Any news yet?" Unfortunately, we don't know how long we'll wait to be chosen. The program is seeing a lot of placements, but we have no idea how long we could wait to be chosen. Basically, we could be picked two weeks from now or two years from now. We'll just have to trust God in His perfect timing!

Adoption Update

We are in full-swing with another adoption through LSS. I am just finishing up some paperwork for Derek to drop off to the agency on Thursday. We have our homevisit scheduled for the first week of March. I'm almost finished with updating our profile (it's super cute, btw.). And, we should be officially "in the books" in March. Our new sw is super nice. She said she was going to make sure we were int he computer system, just in case a situation came up before our homestudy is finished! I guess the agency has been very busy with placements lately. They've filled all the slots in the AA/Biracial program twice in the last year. We are very excited and have no idea how long we might wait to be picked. Last time, the agency told us we should be prepared to wait 2 years to be picked, because of the dogs. But, we were picked super fast...just 11 weeks! This, time, we have the dogs and also a toddler. The dogs could be cause for us to wait, but sometimes having a child already can be a cause to wait too. Or, she could be the reason we get picked super fast again. You just never know. We are just going to have to wait for God's perfect timing...

Another update on adoption stuff in March!

Adoption News...Kind of.

Faith and I met hubby for lunch today. We had a nice time hanging out and talking. We were discussing our adoption journey and about April Baby. We feel like the likelihood of her joining our family is diminishing. I guess it more like the hope of her joining our family is fading as her due date creeps closer and we've heard nothing more about the situation.

We were discussing what we wanted to do if that situation does not happen (as I still hold some hope). We were thinking about checking out Bethany, as it is a national agency and gives us more opportunity to match with potential expectant parents. We decided it was between them and Faithful Adoption Consultants, and were thinking we'd not use our previous agency this time. However, when I got home from lunch and check my e-mail, I had an e-mail from our previous sw, telling me a space had just opened up for us in the program we were in with Faith. Now, I'm super excited, but all over the map on what to do. Decisions, decisions...

While I'm Waiting

A friend called me one day to tell me they were sitting in their car, and this song came on the radio, and they thought of us and our adoption. I've heard the song before, but I looked up the lyrics, and they really speak to where we are right now....waiting, trusting in God, and trying to be patient.

Lyrics to While I'm Waiting by John Waller :

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

1 Corinthians 13:4

I was just thinking about our April baby, and lamenting the waiting and uncertainty of the whole situation. Should we get a homestudy done so that we are ready, just in case? Should we just throw up our hands and move on from this situation. Not knowing is the hardest part in adoption for me. But, I was reading some Bible verses on waiting and I saw the following translation of 1 Cor. 13:4 ~

"Love is never tired of waiting."

And it touched my heart. If I love this baby as I say I do, for better or worse, then isn't she worth waiting for? If we're ready to accept her, as she is, drug-exposure and all, and face the challenges that can come with that, then aren't we strong enough to face the waiting and uncertainty?

I was speaking with friends today, who have two adopted sons. I was telling them about how the Lord saved this little baby from the abortionists sword already, and how we felt like He was protecting her from the effects of the drugs. The husband said that the mom could stand in the middle of a burning building, and the Lord could have it fall down all around her to keep the baby safe. So, if I can have faith that God is protecting this baby, trust that He has a plan and purpose for this baby, then can't I trust in Him to place this baby in the family that He wants to raise this baby. If it is our family it will happen, regardless of the homestudy being ready, or the money being in place, etc. etc. So, I guess I know I need to place this fully back into God's hands, but it's so hard to let go.

Praying

We are praying very, very hard about a possible adoption situation. One of the coworker knows someone who is possibly thinking about maybe placing their baby for adoption situations. She is only 16 weeks along, and a lot can happen before her April due date, so it is by no means a sure thing. We haven't even spoken to her. But, we are praying. We are praying for this young woman and for her unborn child. There are drugs involved, so prayer is especially needed. The Lord has already intervened once and saved this baby, so I feel so strongly that He will protect this child from the drugs. Some Bible verses have come to me while I have been praying that I wanted to share:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jer. 29:11)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together inside my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Ps. 139:13-16)

God is so amazing, and I KNOW He has a wonderful and marvelous plan for this tiny little baby. I just don't know if that plan includes being a member of our family or not.

Please pray for this baby and for Baby B. to find us in God's perfect timing.

God's Amazing Provisions

We have been praying that God would provide the finances for our next adoption. See, we've officially decided to pursue another newborn, transracial adoption. We attended an information session about adopting from the state, and we both agreed that was not the right path for our family right now...perhaps down the road.

I think we both wanted to pursue another domestic adoption from the start, but for whatever reason, the finances seem more of a mountain to cross than a small hill. I think it's because we used our fall back plan last time (we took out a home equity loan, because things moved so fast). We're still paying on that loan, and it isn't an option this time. Last time, I barely blinked an eye at the finances, so secure was I in God's provision of the money. But, this time, I don't know...it just seems more of an obstacle.

But, we've committed to building our family again this way, and have decided to give over the reigns to the Lord. We both really feel that this path is God's will for our family. So, we've been praying for God's provision....A LOT. I have also been reading about God's financial provisions for other families who have adopted. These stories are all amazing. God has provided families with all of their financial needs as they walked the road of adopting their child. And, along the way, I found that the theme of teaching from the Lord has been trust. It takes a lot to trust an invisible, Almighty being to provide for something that you want so badly. But, if you are willing to take that leap of faith, He does provide.

Now, we are starting to see God answering our prayers. I almost missed it for what it was. Earlier this week, Derek cam home and announced that his coworker's daughter had her baby on Friday...a little boy. She will be returning to work in six weeks, and they wanted to know if I would be interested in watching him. I told Derek to let me think on it, and went about my chores and what not.

Later that night, as I mulled on it, and did some financial calculations, I realized that opportunity to babysit (two days a week, a cute, little baby...my favorite kind of babysitting) would provide us with a nice piece of change that we could put towards our homestudy. It won't cover all of it by the time we want to start, but it is a fabulous babystep. I don't know if this babysitting opportunity will end up working out, but it was such a comfort to realize that God is and will put into motion the things needed to allow us to pursue our next child joining our family.

God is truly awesome!

Watch This Video...

Different Trips to the Same Place

By: Author Unknown ~

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place; you’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain that you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there’s no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait---and wait---and wait. Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on the plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair!”

After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.” “By BOAT!” you say. “Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia.

It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel once, perhaps twice.

Some say things like, “Oh, be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy.” You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not the way you get there, but in the place itself.

Feelings...

My heart is being prepared for the addition of another child. I can feel it...I feel like I did when we were pursuing Faith's adoption, before we were matched. My heart is being softened. I get all teary and emotional reading other people's adoptions experiences, and I get that tingly, excited feeling. Adoption is such an emotionally charge thing that it's hard to not react. Our lives are forever touched by adoption, so I imagine that it will always have some sort of a hold on my heart. Right now, Derek and I, are trying to discern God's will in this area. Does He want us to pursue another domestic, newborn adoption or a foster-adopt program? I guess only time will tell...

Photo Shoot and Reflections

It's been so long since I posted (who knew motherhood keeps you busy?), that I have so much to talk about. So forgive me for jumping around. Going back to our trip to VA, Faith looked so beautiful in her Easter dress, that I just had to take her outside for a photo shoot. She enjoyed playing in the grass and especially getting to eat the grass! All we can say is, "what a doll!!!!"

We feel overwhelmingly blessed to have such an amazing, beautiful, smart, and funny little girl. Derek said that he can really see J, Faith's birthmom, in Faith in these pictures. I sent these pictures to J, and she said that she is starting to see herself in Faith too. I don't see the resemblance so much. Not that I mind Faith looking like J, far from it. I guess it's just that I look at Faith and just see my little girl.

People say that I look like my mom (an amazing compliment btw, because my mom is honestly so beautiful), but I don't typically see that either. Once in a while, I'll catch it in a photo, so it must just be me. I hear my mom in me more than anything. Derek says all the time that we sound so much alike and our mannerisms are so close.

I wonder if J and I will share a mutual legacy in Faith. She'll carry J's genes and looks, but have my mannerisms and sound like me when she talks. I think that's a really nice thing...to share in who Faith is and becomes in that way. I don't often think of Faith as having two mom's (a biological and adoptive), but in reality she does. When we were beginning the adoption process, I thought I'd feel threatened by that, but the reality is, that I am overjoyed that Faith has a biological mom who cares so deeply for her. As we always say in our home, you can NEVER have too many people love you. Now, don't get me wrong, I AM Faith's mom, her real mom. But, I'm happy to share part of what it means to be a mom with J.

Alright, so this turned more deep than I was originally intending. My point is that we have the most beautiful baby ever. And, I can't believe she's almost a year old. With her first birthday just around the corner, she really is becoming a little girl and isn't such a little baby anymore. Toddlerhood here we come...

Ponderings of the Gift bag

Just think,

your baby girl is here not by chance,

but by God's choosing.

God has allowed her to be here

at this time in history

to fulfill His special purpose

for this generation.

~Roy Lessin

We received a gift for Faith from our neighbors that arrived in a little pink bag with this quote on it. I've often contemplated God's reasoning behind having me born in this time, and with the family He picked out for me. Now that I have a daughter, I wonder the same thing about her. Faith wasn't born into our family, but she was chosen to be a part of it none the less. It is awe-inspiring and humbling at the same time to think that God has entrusted us to shephard her through life.